The Space Between

Where everyday life discreetly shapes extraordinary outcomes

 

Several years ago, I had a meaningful conversation with a client.

After our customary “financial planning” discussion, she paused for a moment and asked, “Can I ask a more personal question? I feel like I’m doing a lot, but I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I don’t mean financially, but in life. What am I missing?”

While not typical for a financial planning meeting, her question didn’t feel out of place either. Many discussions naturally shift from financial topics to more personal matters.

I asked her to walk me through what a normal week looked like asking her to pay special attention to the “everyday” stuff; the routines and small choices that often go unnoticed.

She described days that started with good intentions but quickly went off track. Workdays that felt busy but not particularly productive. Evenings that became reactive rather than intentional. Weekends that rarely provided her the rest she’d hoped for.

She found this frustrating. Despite being thoughtful, responsible, and disciplined, her days seemed to slip away. At one point, she joked it felt like “some invisible force” was out to get her.

As we talked, a pattern emerged.

She often said yes to things without considering the trade-offs. This made it easier to say yes repeatedly. Urgency set her priorities, whether warranted or not.

When plans changed, she adapted quickly. Her easygoing nature reduced stress but masked deeper issues. Since things usually worked out ‘fairly well,’ she saw little reason to reassess her approach.

Nothing she described sounded extreme. There wasn’t one big decision you could point to and say, “That’s the problem.”

And there’s the rub.

Since things worked out ‘well enough,’ she believed everything was fine.

Nothing was problematic enough to prompt reflection. She was not failing or in crisis. The consequences of her decisions were subtle, delayed, and dispersed over time. Each choice seemed harmless on its own.

 

Big Rocks First

 

There is a simple illustration I have referenced over the years. You may have seen some version of it.

A jar is placed on a table alongside a mix of materials: big rocks, smaller rocks, pebbles, and sand. The objective is straightforward: fit everything into the jar.

If you start with the sand and smaller pieces, the jar fills quickly and appears to show progress. But when you try to add the big rocks at the end, they don’t fit. Not because there isn’t enough space, but because the materials were added in the wrong order.

So, you start over.

This time, the big rocks are placed first, followed by the smaller rocks and then the pebbles. Finally, the sand fills in the remaining space. Everything fits.

Same jar. Same materials. Different result.

The lesson typically ends here: prioritize the big rocks.

And to be fair, it’s a good lesson. Major life decisions deserve careful thought. Career changes. Relationships. Major pivots. These moments shape direction and should be treated accordingly.

However, this is only part of the story. Because once the big rocks are in place, life doesn’t stop; it keeps going.

 

Where Life Actually Happens

 

Our lives are not defined solely by major decisions, but by the space between them.

Most of life occurs here, in the routines, habits, conversations, reactions, distractions, compromises, and ordinary choices that often go unexamined.

Years ago, The Dave Matthews Band wrote,

“The space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.”

I’ve always found a lot of truth packed into that line.

Life is not lived at the emotional peaks. It’s not one dramatic high followed by another, or one difficult moment stacked on top of the next. Most of life unfolds in the space between, in the quieter stretches where things are neither amazing nor terrible, just ordinary.

And it’s in this often-overlooked space that determines whether our lives align with our intentions.

It is where we settle into routines without realizing their impact. Relationships either deepen or become transactional. Habits, both good and bad, quietly compound. We spend money out of convenience, say yes when we should say no, lose time to distractions, postpone important tasks, and gradually build our lives through unnoticed patterns.

This is what makes the space between so important. It feels insignificant in the moment because it lacks drama or memorability, yet this is where most of our lives are actually lived.

Another lyric from the song says,

“The space between our wicked lies is where we hope to keep safe from pain.”

This also holds true.

We often avoid trade-offs and delay intentional action. We rationalize that small compromises don’t matter because they’re temporary, life is busy, or we’re tired. However, our quality of life ultimately reflects the accumulated decisions we make, whether we recognize it or not.

Perhaps the most important line is:

“The space between your heart and mind is a space we’ll fill with time.”

Ultimately, how we fill this everyday space shapes our lives.

This space will be filled, intentionally or not. The key question is whether it is filled with intention, clear thinking, and supportive habits, or with noise, distraction, urgency, and busyness mistaken for productivity.

 

Where Things Start to Slip

 

This was occurring in my client’s situation, though it took time for us to fully articulate it.

She did what most thoughtful people do: she focused on major decisions, acted carefully and with discipline, avoided unnecessary risks, and generally approached life responsibly. From the outside, things looked pretty good.

But once those big decisions were made, life moved into the space between them, into ordinary days without major crossroads or dramatic moments. Just a steady stream of small decisions, routines, interruptions, trade-offs, conveniences, and impulses filling in the gaps.

This was the aspect she overlooked.

She didn’t ignore small choices out of ignorance, but rather didn’t view them as important enough to warrant attention. Many of us behave similarly. We slow down for major decisions, consider consequences, weigh options, and seek advice. There’s gravity to them, so we treat them accordingly.

Everyday life rarely receives the same attention. It appears during ordinary moments when we are tired, distracted, busy, or overcommitted. Because these moments feel small, we let momentum decide for us. Convenience takes over or urgency steps in. Most often, it’s habit that grabs the steering wheel.

One decision like that doesn’t matter much. Neither does the next one. Or the one after that.

Over time, when you string enough decisions together, patterns form, which then become lifestyles. They influence relationships, finances, stress, health, attention, and priorities,  shaping our lives more than we often realize.

This was the answer to her question.

She was not missing a major life-changing insight or a single bold decision that would resolve everything. In many ways, she had already managed the significant aspects of her life effectively.

She simply did not recognize where most of her life was actually being lived.

 

Less, But Better

 

When faced with a challenge, most people instinctively try to add something: another app, improved time management, more information, or a new system. Often, these solutions are inspired by productivity trends that may not be practical or sustainable.

However, the answer is rarely to add more.

More often, the solution is to do less.

This means less noise, less friction, fewer reactive responses, reduced mental clutter, and a clearer sense of priority.

There’s a line from Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism, that I’ve always liked:

“Less but better.”

It is a simple idea, but difficult to implement. Life often encourages excess: more commitments, opinions, notifications, consumption, and urgency mistaken for importance. If you’re not careful, life can become a series of reactions to whatever screams loudest.

People often do not notice this happening because there are no obvious warning signs. Things seem to be going ‘fairly well.’ You show up for work in good spirits, pay your bills on time, and spend time with people you enjoy. Life mostly functions.

However, beneath the surface, there is often a subtle sense that something is not quite right. The key is to recognize that the quality of ordinary decisions made in the space between major moments ultimately shapes our lives. Living intentionally in this space, not just at major crossroads, is the true path to meaningful progress.

This is why the “space between” is so important.

This is where life settles and is shaped. Not in the handful of dramatic moments we remember forever, but in the ordinary rhythm of daily living. When you look back, it is rarely the major decisions that define your life, but how everything else fits around them.